Dear Sasha,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The hallway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the other end is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a King-sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort.
Dogs can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.
It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible.

I also think that sticking your tail straight out and having your tongue hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom alone for years - canine attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the
other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear Sasha, I have posted
the following message on our front door.

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About My Pet:

1 She lives here. You don't.
2 If you don't want her hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
(That's why they call it ''fur''niture.)
3 I like my pet a lot better than I like most people.
4 To you, she's an animal. To me, she is an adopted daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak too clearly.

NOTE: Dogs and cats can be better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't sass back, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for college - and if they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

HOW IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE
AND HOW IT TURNED OUT!

1. Dogs are never permitted in the house. Sasha stays outside in a 'specially built wooden compartment named, for very good reason, the dog house.

2. Okay, Sasha can enter the house, but only for short visits or if her own house is under renovation.

3. Okay, Sasha can stay in the house on a permanent basis, provided her dog house can be sold in a yard sale to a rookie dog owner.

4. Inside the house, Sasha is not allowed to run free and is confined to a comfortable but secure metal cage.

5. Okay, the cage becomes part of a two-for-one deal along with the dog house in the yard sale, and Sasha can go wherever she pleases.

6. Sasha is never allowed on the furniture.

7. Okay, Sasha can get on the old furniture but not the new furniture.

8. Okay, Sasha can get up on the new furniture until it looks like the old furniture and then we'll sell the whole works and buy new furniture... upon which Sasha will most definitely not be allowed.

9. Sasha never sleeps on the bed. Period.

10. Okay, Sasha can sleep at the foot of the bed.

11. Okay, Sasha can sleep alongside me, but she's not allowed under the covers.

12. Okay, Sasha can sleep under the covers but not with her head on the pillow.

13. Okay, Sasha can sleep alongside me under the covers with her head on the pillow, but if she snores she's got to leave the room.

14. Okay, Sasha can sleep and snore and have nightmares in bed, but she's not to come in and sleep on the couch in the TV room, where I'm now sleeping. That's just not fair.